The writings of Margaret Downey.
In July 2000, doctors informed Freethought Society of Greater Philadelphia (FSGP) Founding Member Ted Swart that he had lymphatic cancer. He took the news with good grace, and began researching ways to battle the disease. He was confident that medical technology would offer a way to overcome his terminal condition. Doctors told Ted that he would live for another two years--at the most. Scientific advancement, therefore, was Ted's only hope. He vigorously pursued trial studies and new treatment options.
Just prior to entering an innovative program at the Sloan Kettering Cancer Center in New York City, Ted's spleen ruptured. The incident made him ineligible to participate in this research program. Even with painful aggressive chemotherapy and the Sloan Kettering setback, Ted remained optimistic and courageous. The application of courage was a familiar response for Ted. There were many times in his life when he was forced to endure great hardships. He told me all about those difficult times when he telephoned to inform me of his diagnosis.
I was heartbroken to learn of Ted's condition, and I offered him my friendship and assistance. I suggested that he allow me to inform other members of FSGP about his condition so that he would have a circle of friends who could help him with his research, treatment, and care. Ted thought about this suggestion for several days, but rejected the idea saying that he was a private person. He did not want to burden anyone else with his plight--another display of courage.
I accepted Ted's decision even though I knew that many Freethinkers would have been eager to offer assistance, friendship, and encouragement. I knew this because when I was ill I received support, sympathy, and assistance from the Freethought community. I reminded Ted about his own volunteer work and much needed help during my recovery in 1997. Ted insisted that he felt more comfortable relying on the loving relationship of his longtime companion Inez Starr and a few close friends such as me.
Throughout his illness Ted did not call on me to help, but he frequently called just to talk. I cherish the poignant conversations I had with Ted during his struggle for life. Ted's positive attitude was worthy of emulation and I learned much from our discussions. When I disclosed that I had completed a Secular Ceremonies training course at the Center for Inquiry and was officially recognized as a Secular Humanist Celebrant, Ted was very pleased. He told me that he wanted me to conduct his funeral.
On March 1, 2002 Inez called to tell me that Ted had asked for me. He was in the hospital awaiting death and wanted to discuss his funeral. Ted's request would be the first time I would be called upon to handle funeral arrangements as a Secular Humanist Celebrant. I was anxious, sad, and honored. What would I do and how would I do it?
I arrived at the hospital within a few hours of the call. I brought with me Robert Green Ingersoll's book of poems and prose, and a notepad. I remember thinking that, if anything, an Atheist would want to hear the glorious words of Ingersoll during a time of need. I knew that Ted would appreciate my presence, but the writings of Ingersoll would also be comforting.
After a loving greeting and exchange of concerns, Inez left the room to get something to eat and a few minutes of rest. Ted and I began to talk about his funeral arrangements. He made it clear that he knew he was going to die. He wanted others to know that he was facing death without fear and that he was not reaching out to a mythical God or hoping for an afterlife.
Ted also outlined exactly what he wanted to occur at his funeral. I took notes and told him that he could count on me to make sure his instructions were followed. This brought peace and comfort to Ted. After he was sure that I had noted all of his concerns and requests, he asked the nurse for an increase in morphine.
As Ted slowly slipped into a drug-induced sleep, I held his hand and read aloud from the Ingersoll book. Ted stirred occasionally saying that he found the words of Ingersoll very soothing and consoling. It seems that I made the right decision to have brought the Ingersoll book with me. Ingersoll's words made my job less painful--similar to those who use the Bible for comfort and solace.
Inez called early the next morning to tell me that Ted had died. I was honored when she requested my help in making funeral arrangements. Ted's three adult children, who live in other parts of the country, had arrived and wanted to meet me. Inez informed them about Ted's desire to have a purely secular funeral and they said that they would cooperate. Ted had warned me, however, that his children might try to impose their religious beliefs on the funeral service. He had me promise that I would represent his position with the utmost diligence and commitment. I was determined to do so.
After meeting the immediate family at the hospital, Inez and I set about to select a place for the cremation and life-recognition ceremony. Fortunately, I had done some research of local funeral services and was prepared to offer a few suggestions. Since Ted's death, I have created a funeral-services reference-binder. My goal is to serve the Freethought community just as a priest serves the Catholic community. Like the religious, nonreligious people want closure and a thoughtful acknowledgment of a loved one's life.
Inez bravely made difficult decisions, all the while thinking of only what she thought Ted would like. Her thoughtfulness exemplified her love and respect.
Inez and I could visualize exactly what would take place at Ted's funeral when we visited the D'Anjolell Memorial Home in Frazer, Pennsylvania. Unfortunately, we knew that we would not be able to fulfill one of Ted's requests: to have a copy of the Council for Secular Humanists 2000 Humanist Manifesto projected on a giant screen. Because the Manifesto is eighteen pages long, projecting the document on a screen was impossible. We decided that each person attending the funeral would receive a copy of the Manifesto and additional copies would be placed on a table next to a poster-size facsimile of the Manifesto's cover page, which included an impressive list of people who endorsed the document. But the room was the perfect size to implement Ted's other request: to have a huge banner of his sentiments regarding religion displayed for all to see.
That night I sat down to write Ted's tribute and to create the ten-foot-long banner. The banner was easy, but I struggled to convey just how special Ted was. There were so many wonderful things to say about him.
Ted was born in Indonesia, the son of Dutch parents. After World War II, he attended the Middelt are Technische School in Harlen, Holland, where he earned a degree in naval architecture. He was also an inventor. His designs include the first single-lever faucet, several sailboats, and a revolutionary design for double-hulled barges.
Ted became a citizen of the United States in the 1970s. He was proud to be a Secular Humanist and a member of FSGP. I decided to begin the tribute with a song that exemplified Ted's thoughts: "Imagine" by John Lennon. Following is what I said at Ted's funeral:
Those of you who know Ted well know that he was a principled and committed Atheist. His philosophical life stance was so important to him that he called me to his bedside on Thursday night to discuss plans for his funeral. It was a sad night, but I was honored to have Ted's trust and I promised to fulfill his requests. Tonight you will hear his last words of wisdom through me.
Ted's first request was for the display of a banner. The words you see at the front of the room on the ten-foot banner are original and will forever be attributed to Ted.
Ted said he loved America and the freedoms he enjoyed as a citizen. This love of freedom becomes even more poignant when we know that there was a time in Ted's life when he had no freedoms whatsoever. During World War II, the Japanese rounded up Dutch families living in Asia and sent them to internment camps. Ted was only fourteen years old. His youth was taken from him as he suffered through tortuous work and horrible living conditions.
His internment was in stark contrast to his pleasant preadolescent years. Ted related many happy childhood memories in a book he wrote for his children. In that book, Ted told interesting and entertaining stories about his life in Indonesia. He also described the horrors of war, the inhuman conditions he was forced to endure, and the reasons he became an Atheist. It is an amazing story of survival and personal growth, a true inspiration for the power of human endurance.
Ted wanted everyone attending his funeral to receive a copy of the Humanist Manifesto 2000. This, he said, would be his statement of principle. The Manifesto defined him and that is why it was so important to him that it be shared with his friends and family. When you take home the Manifesto you are taking home a bit of Ted.
The Manifesto was endorsed and signed by Nobel Laureates, scientists, and honored philosophers. Ted's mind certainly kept great company. He relished honest dialog and craved for others to share his enthusiasm for freedom of thought. Ted's love for the Humanist Manifesto originated from his quest for intellectual honesty. With every word of the document, his hope for a world free from religious strife was reinforced.
I am well aware that there are people of various faiths among us. It would be a tribute to Ted for us to find common ground with which we can mourn his death. Let us honor Ted's steadfast commitment to the natural world and his disbelief in any supernatural entities, prayers, and miracles. After all, we are one human family seeking love, fairness, and freedom. This is all we need to enjoy peace on earth.
If we can bridge the philosophical differences we have with our love for peace, unity, and the appreciation of diversity, there is hope for the rest of the world. Let the goal tonight be for us to set a good example for people living in war-torn Ireland, Pakistan, Afghanistan, and Israel.
The fact is that Atheists simply add one more "o" to their belief system. They believe in "good." Throughout Ted's life he tried to do good things--not just for himself, but for those around him.
We can all visualize Ted helping Inez at work and at home. We see him building easels for children, mentoring an ex-convict with reentry job training, volunteering his labor at the public high school, and volunteering his time for the advancement of Freethought. Ted's love for Inez, his children, and family members was evident to me during the ten years that I was his friend. I'm sure it was evident to you as well.
Ted did not fear death nor did he yearn for reassurance that there was another life or another place beyond the here and the now. He knew that his afterlife would be the legacy he left behind. Ted thought, as most Atheists do, that being remembered and talked about brings a person back to life.
I ask you to remain silent for a moment or two, so you can each remember Ted in your own way. Those of you with religious faith may like to use these moments for your own private prayer.
After the moment of silence, I opened the microphone for anyone who wanted to eulogize Ted. Several family members stepped forward to share special memories they had of Ted.
Just as Ted predicted, his daughter used the funeral as an opportunity to promote her religious views. She even credited Ted's Atheism for bringing her closer to God. She said it was "God's will" that Ted was her father. Her statements were intended to proselytize and convince others that her father's philosophical lifestance was lacking and her religion was the better way to live.
In my opinion, the arrogant homily of Ted's daughter dishonored her father's memory. Her religious views apparently meant more to her than showing respect for her father--so much for her faith's Fifth Commandment. I pitied her hypocrisy, and felt glad that I had stood up for Ted's principles and last wishes.
by Margaret Downey
The following article is from Free Inquiry magazine, Volume 24, Number 4.
Civil Rights n pl : the nonpolitical rights of a citizen; esp: the rights of personal liberty guaranteed to U. S. citizens by the 13th and 14th amendments to the Constitution and by acts of Congress.
In “Atheism Is Not a Civil Rights Issue” (Free Inquiry, February/March 2004), DJ Grothe and Austin Dacey wrote:
To our knowledge, there is no such thing as “atheist bashing.” If there were cases of such harm, one would expect to hear about them in the media and the courts, or at least in the common knowledge of unbelievers. So, where are the cases? On many occasions we have put this question to leaders in the nonreligious community and have never been presented with a single compelling example.
I greatly respect Grothe and Dacey, but in light of my own research I believe that they provided a misleading perception of the nonreligious community and its predicament. For almost a decade, I have been documenting acts of discrimination against the nonreligious through the Anti-Discrimination Support Network (ADSN), a committee of the Freethought Society of Greater Philadelphia.
In 1995, the United Nations Non-Governmental Organization Committee on Freedom of Religion or Belief invited me to submit information on discrimination against atheists by the Boy Scouts of America (BSA). The committee’s mission was to record and monitor incidents of intolerance around the world. I was told that my findings would be published in the committee’s final report only if the cases I documented were grievous by its standards. The committee quickly recognized that Scouting’s discrimination against atheists was no less severe than its far more widely reported discrimination against gays. A synopsis of my findings was included in the committee’s published report.
Shortly afterward, the same UN committee asked me to assess other incidents of discrimination—in particular, what forms of discrimination were of greatest concern within the U.S. atheist community. During the following year, I conducted numerous interviews and discovered multiple instances of discrimination. In 1998, I delivered a personal report to the committee, noting that bigotry against atheists was relatively common, much of it based in popular misunderstandings of the U.S. Constitution’s secular character and its intent to protect minorities against majority rule. I reported that, with respect to the atheist community, the United States was not in compliance with the 1981 United Nations “Declaration on the Elimination of All Forms of Intolerance and Discrimination Based on Religion or Belief.”
During 1998, Dr. Abdelfattah Amor, Special Rapporteur on Religious Intolerance to the Office of the United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights, toured the United States and visited some of the families mentioned in my report. In his findings he noted atheism’s “non-acceptance by the society in which religion remains a very strong point of reference in social, cultural and identity terms.” Nonetheless, he suggested that the situation faced by atheists in American society was “satisfactory.” Compared to the deadly violence that threatens some oppressed minorities in other countries, this may be true; still, discrimination against unbelievers falls far short of the American ideal. I resolved to strengthen my efforts to document discrimination against atheists, which had never before been attempted in a formal manner.
In 1999, I developed the Discrimination Narrative Collection Form (DNCF), an easy-to-complete incident description form which I released to every national humanist, freethought, and atheist organization. The Council for Secular Humanism was first to publish the DNCF, in its newsletter Secular Humanist Bulletin. In 2000, I mass-mailed the form to atheist, humanist, and freethought groups nationwide. In addition, I circulated it at every movement conference I have attended since 2000. At those events, I heard many personal accounts of discrimination. But persuading victims to put their experience on paper was sometimes difficult.
One would think that any atheist who had experienced discrimination would be eager to submit an affidavit. Instead, the fear of suffering further discrimination as a “whistleblower” was widespread. Some victims told me that they did not want to go public lest still more hatred come their way. This is the trauma of discrimination, just the sort of intimidation that discourages discrimination reports and makes it difficult to find plaintiffs for needed litigation.
These obstacles notwithstanding, I eventually compiled hundreds of incident reports (selected reports are summarized in the sidebars to this article). The actual case reports reside in an ADSN master file that is not available to the general public. A narrative collection is available as a hardcopy that interested parties may purchase from ADSN. This is the only way to obtain this data, which has never been available online. Therefore, the payment record makes it possible to track who has the narrative collection and how it is used. Dacey and Grothe do not appear in my records as recipients of the narrative collection.
Still, even without access to the material in my files, discrimination against atheists is easily documented. National atheist and freethought publications frequently report on atheists losing their jobs, facing abusive family situations, being subjected to organized shunning campaigns in their communities, receiving death threats, and the like. That Grothe and Dacey overlooked—or elected to dismiss—these accounts concerns me, especially because they claim to have researched cases of discrimination prior to coming to their conclusions.
On the other hand, it is no surprise that Grothe and Dacey do not find mainstream media coverage that substantiates discrimination against the atheist community. (I am constantly amazed how seldom the two little words and atheists see print when journalists cover BSA discrimination against gays.)
Had Grothe and Dacey contacted me before writing their article, I could have opened my files and shared accounts of physical and mental abuse, job loss, cruel media stereotyping, and other instances of discrimination. I believe they would have been satisfied that “atheist bashing” really exists and is getting worse.
Nevertheless, I feel that Grothe and Dacey have done our movement a service by demonstrating the need for unbelievers to come forward and document their experiences of unfair treatment. Before atheists, humanists, and freethinkers can prove discrimination to the satisfaction of society in general, we must first prove it to ourselves. Otherwise we court the risk that activists who decry discrimination will be dismissed as “whiners,” even within our own ranks. I only hope that Grothe and Dacey’s claim that known cases of discrimination are insufficiently compelling will not lead aggrieved atheists to resign themselves to genuine abuse.
Gray, Tennessee: Carletta Sims joined a financial firm in June 2001. Shortly afterward, two Baptist coworkers took offense upon learning that Sims was an atheist. Management granted the coworkers’ request to be assigned workspaces further from Sims. When Sims complained about a picture of Jesus left on her computer, management discharged her. Sims filed suit, seeking $250,000; U.S. District Judge Thomas Hull ruled that “religious discrimination (or preferential treatment of Christians) can be inferred.” In January 2004, the major bank that had since acquired the firm settled with Sims for an undisclosed amount.
Ada, Oklahoma: A Baptist student told a local newspaper she wouldn’t take professor William Zellner’s classes because he was an atheist, triggering a flurry of abuse. Zellner received harassing notes and telephone calls, some threatening. His car was vandalized, for a time on a daily basis. A local church sold “I am praying for Dr. Zellner” buttons. His children experienced shunning and beatings from religious children.
Minneapolis, Minnesota: First-grader Michael Bristor, an atheist, was denied an honor roll certificate when he refused to participate in an unconstitutional “prayer time” at a public school. For three years, administrators ignored the family’s complaints until a lawsuit was filed.
Caro, Michigan: In December 2001, Anonka—an open atheist who maintains a museum of Christian religious atrocities—appeared before the Tuscola County Board of Commissioners to challenge a nativity scene placed on public land. Commissioners responded angrily, saying she had no right to be present and proceeding to ridicule her. Anonka and her family suffered repeated harassment including annoyance calls, threatening calls and letters, and vandalism. In February 2004, the county settled in U.S. District Court, agreeing to pay an undisclosed sum and to issue a “public expression of regret.”
Pocopson, Pennsylvania: My own atheism came to prominence when I became involved in a legal challenge to a Ten Commandments plaque on the wall of the Chester County, Pennsylvania, courthouse. Neighbors organized a shunning campaign, some area merchants refused to do business with me, and I received hundreds of threatening letters and phone calls. (The depth of public animus against me became a subject of local news and magazine coverage.) I was forced to close my interior decorating business because of death threats that compelled me to stop visiting the homes of persons unknown to me.
Calgary, Alberta: An eleven-year-old boy (name withheld) experienced daily physical attacks and threats against his life by schoolmates—notably the sons of three local pastors—after protesting intercom readings of the Lord’s Prayer in a public school. He was repeatedly body-checked into hallway walls and attacked in the rest rooms. One pastor’s son stalked him with a butcher knife in an empty portable classroom. Despite the seriousness of this incident, no action was taken. The boy’s parents transferred him to another school for his own safety.
1. Merriam Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, Tenth Edition, 1993, p. 210.
2. Kevin Boyle and Juliet Sheen, eds., Freedom of Religion or Belief: A World Report (New York and London: Routledge, 1997), p. 162. In my findings I warned that if the BSA’s religious bigotry was not stopped, prejudice against nontheists would intensify. Seven years later, that prediction has been realized. BSA recently determined that because Unitarian Universalists (U-Us) publicly disclaim prejudice against atheists or gays, U-U’s will no longer be recognized by BSA’s religious council and will be ineligible for a religious merit badge. I can’t help wondering if the Buddhist community will be the next target.
Grothe and Dacey question whether the BSA represents a genuine example of discrimination against the nonreligious. They are correct to note that “. . . most experts agree that Scouting is not a ’public accommodation’ in which everyone has a right to be included.” But Scouting’s claim to be a private organization is at odds with the many ways in which it functions as a public organization. BSA continues to receive benefits that should only be afforded to truly public organizations. It holds a rare congressional charter which describes it as an educational (not religious) organization. Private religious organizations should not be permitted to recruit in public schools, enjoy public financial support, or receive free use of public lands. BSA enjoys all of these on a regular basis, plus thousands of hours of donated labor by teachers, administrators, and parent groups. On the other hand, if Scouting truly is “private” as defenders suggest, then the large amount of United Way unallocated funds Scouting receives is questionable. Ordinarily such funds are channeled to organizations that serve the entire community without prejudice.
3. http://www.unhchr.ch/html/menu3/b/d_intole.htm.
4. Abdelfattah Amor, Civil and Political Rights, Including: Freedom of Expression, Addendum, Visit to the United States of America, United Nations document E/CN.4/1999/58/Add.1, 1998-DEC-9.
5. Secular Humanist Bulletin, Fall 2000, p. 21.
6. The ADSN narrative collection is divided into the following categories of discrimination reports: students and teachers; work; oaths, ceremonial deism; media; family and community; politics and government.
7. When the Anti-Discrimination Support Network co-sponsored a 2003 press conference and two-day protest with Scouting For All, not one newspaper mentioned BSA’s anti-atheist membership policy. Though Scouting displays the same discrimination toward gays and atheists, the vast majority of press accounts mention only BSA’s antigay stance.
Margaret Downey founded the Anti-Discrimination Support Network in 1993. She attributes her activism to growing up in a multicultural family in highly prejudiced southern society in the 1950s. Downey is also the founder of the Freethought Society of Greater Philadelphia and a member of the Thomas Paine Memorial Committee.
An article mentioning Margarets first public appearance as leader of the AAI
New AAI President’s First Public Appearance
By Margaret Downey, President of the Atheist Alliance International
Last month we reported on Margaret Downey’s election as president of the Atheist Alliance International
Last week I received word that the National Constitution Center (located in Philadelphia, PA) was hosting
I was provided a spot too late to be recognized equally on the announced schedule. I would be there in
decided that I needed to rethink what I would be wearing and came up with an idea that would express
I wore a black dress, a cream colored satin hat, cream pearls and black heels. Folks, I have never been
I will have photos available soon. In the meantime, I wanted to share my joy in representing you that
Oh, the only negative of the day was when the program ended with the singing of "God Bless America." I
The following article is from Free Inquiry magazine, Volume 20, Number 4.
Members and friends of the Anti-Discrimination Support Network (ADSN) are appalled by the June 28 5-4 U. S. Supreme Court decision allowing the Boy Scouts of America (BSA) to discriminate openly against whomever it chooses.
BSA now joins the ranks of disgraceful private clubs that promote bigotry and prejudice. Ethical members of the BSA should be outraged to know that an organization established to teach Scoutcraft is condoning ostracism and bigotry.
Inasmuch as the BSA has been declared "private" and entitled to exclude on prejudicial grounds, there will be unintended consequences. Corporations, agencies of government, and the United Way cannot fund an organization that is merely private and openly discriminatory. As a result, boys across the country will no longer be able to enjoy the extent and quality of activities they enjoyed before.
By getting itself declared "private," the BSA has defeated the rationale for it to have public support, government gratuities, and a congressional charter. No longer will it be legitimate for BSA to receive money from United Way's unallocated fund, or to go into public schools to recruit, or to be given military and other government gratuities. BSA will have to rely on private donations exclusively. This will work against the troops and the boys.
Prejudiced zealots have seized control of BSA and will destroy all that has been good with their fear and loathing toward the gay and nontheist community. The BSA victory is hollow. Concerned citizens will insist that BSA no longer be active in public areas. To declare a constitutional right to discriminate is shameful. The U.S. Supreme Court decision means that intolerance will continue to flourish at the hands of the world's largest youth group. The BSA will lose the respect of people who hold dear the moral tenet of nondiscrimination. It is a terrible loss of an opportunity to teach values such as tolerance, brotherhood, and reverence to the religious as well as the nonreligious.
Recently BSA ruled that Unitarian Scouts will no longer be eligible to receive religious emblems. Unitarian values do not fall in line with BSA's selective membership policy. Unitarians are too tolerant and too sympathetic toward gays, girls, and the godless. Now that the U. S. Supreme Court has sanctioned BSA's discriminatory policy, it is just a matter of time before other religions, families, and individuals are deemed unacceptable. The BSA witch hunt has begun. The U.S. Supreme Court has given BSA the green light to decide who is good enough and why. Parents must choose if they want their children taught morals by a group that promotes prejudice, intolerance, and separatism.
Margaret Downey is president of the Anti-Discrimination Support Network.
October 18, 1998 was a typical Sunday morning. After a visit to the health club and a shower I settled into computer work for the Freethought Society of Greater Philadelphia. The phone rang, jarring me from my concentration. I answered, half expecting to hear the voice of my neighbor, Stacey Carter, or that of one of her three children, Kiersten, Brianne, and Brandon. The family often honored me by turning to me for things they needed.
Stacey occasionally requested cooking items or assistance with family obligations. The children usually called on me to help them with homework. I loved it when the children would spend time with me. I never hesitated to stop what I was doing to find the perfect book, a costume, a prop, or to help them with a project.
My Atheist life stance is no secret from my neighbors. Stacey is actually pleased at knowing that her children are exposed to a philosophy different from hers.
The Carter children have been through years of Catholic training (C.C.D. classes). Stacey often told me that she wanted her children to grow up appreciating diversity of thought. I am not a token Atheist for the Carter family, however. Over the years I had become an integral part of the family. The youngest child, Kiersten, one time jokingly called me her "Godless" mother.
I picked up the phone on the second ring. The voice on the other end of the phone was short of breath. She spoke as quickly as she could as she told me, "I'm calling for your friend, Stacey Carter. There's been a terrible accident. Her daughter was hit by a car. Stacey asked me to call you. She needs you to come here right away." After asking where the accident had taken place, I hung up and left the house immediately.
When I arrived at the scene, the entire street was blocked with police cars, an ambulance, and shocked observers. Brianne was struck by a speeding car as she crossed the street. There was no crosswalk. Lack of space in the parking lot caused vehicles to line both sides of the two-lane road. Soccer parents, children, and coaches were tearfully looking on as emergency workers attempted to stabilize Brianne for a helicopter airlift to a trauma center.
I found Stacey near the bloody sidewalk. Two strangers were hugging her as she wept into her hands. When she saw me she reached out desperately, in eager need for comfort. As I embraced Stacey, one of the strangers said, "She needs you to pray with her!" She said it several more times as Stacey and I turned away to talk.
The other woman standing there said, "But that's her Atheist friend."
I heard the first woman say, "I know. That's why I'm telling her what to do!"
This was the most inappropriate time to bring up philosophical differences. When the accident occurred, Stacey must have told her companions at the scene that the friend she needed was an Atheist. I believe that Stacey felt I could help her most or she would not have requested me. I was appalled by the stranger's purposely disparaging reference.
While I held Stacey in my arms, an emergency medical technician approached to tell us that Brianne would now be airlifted to a nearby trauma center. The medic said that Brianne's condition was very grave. I looked into the medic's sad and helpless eyes and knew what she meant. There was no hope.
Knowing how serious this was, I conveyed to Stacey that the other children should be with her at the hospital. It would be wrong to exclude them even though the experience was sure to be overwhelming. Between our sobs we exchanged information as to the whereabouts of the other children. I volunteered to retrieve ten-year-old Kiersten from a house she had been taken to when the accident occurred. I arranged for Stacey to be transported to the hospital with a family she knew. Another friend went to pick up Brandon.
I knew that retrieving Kiersten would be a challenge. I mustered up all my emotional strength.
Before heading for the hospital I took Kiersten back to her house and told her to get her favorite stuffed animal. As my husband drove to the hospital, I sat in the back seat with Kiersten. I held her hand as she asked questions about the accident.
"Brianne just broke her arm, right?" I could not lie, I knew what lay ahead for this sweet little girl.
"No, Kiersten," I said. "It's much more serious than that. Brianne is badly injured and she was taken to a very special hospital."
We talked about trauma centers and why helicopters are used at some accident sites. She asked insightful questions and I did not shade the truth. I needed to help her prepare for the harrowing time that lay ahead.
As we waited at the hospital, family members began to arrive. Within a few hours nearly all local family had gathered except for Stacey's husband, Bob. He was out of the country and was not due home for one more day.
Just as Stacey's mother and father arrived, two doctors, a nurse, and two hospital-assigned priests passed the waiting room. Stacey saw the group and began to sob. Right after the doctor delivered the news of Brianne's death, the two priests took over.
As one priest prayed with Kiersten, the other prayed with Stacey. Brandon displayed utter shock at the news. I later found out that he had not been prepared for the worst. The person who picked him up had only told him that there had been an accident and that his mother needed him. Brandon's late arrival at the hospital did not expose him to the reality of the situation.
I was glad that I had been honest with Kiersten. She was traumatized, but calm. Brandon's emotions ranged from anger to denial to grief in a matter of minutes.
The priest confirmed to Stacey that he had delivered "Last Rites." That ceremony was also important to Kiersten. We learned several days later that Brianne died instantly. Kiersten asked many questions over the next few days about "Last Rites." She was confused about the time of death, the arrival of the priest, and the ceremony that guarantees a person's place in heaven. There were no satisfactory answers and it finally became a matter of faith that Brianne was indeed safely in heaven.
From the moment I arrived at the accident and was told to pray with my friend, I wondered how I could provide the Carter family comfort. As an Atheist, I am unwavering. I avoid hypocrisy in professing my life stance. This is why everyone who knows me knows where I stand philosophically. My challenge now was to find how my friendship to the Carter family would be of benefit to them. What could an Atheist offer to a devoutly Catholic family?
Instead of praying with the family at the hospital, I comforted them with words of love and sympathy. I vowed to the family that I would not rest until the dangerous street conditions at the soccer field were improved. I told the children that Brianne did not die in vain. We would never allow another child to be subjected to an unguarded, low-caution crossing zone. A few others at the hospital also joined me in the promise and work began almost immediately. One woman called Congressman Joe Pitts that night. I called the city manager's office the next day. Within one week, "No Parking" signs were erected so that driver vision would no longer be obstructed. The little committee that originated at the hospital is still working on the instillation of a blinking warning light and a "Caution" street sign.
It would have been easier for Stacey had her husband Bob been home from his vacation. His absence complicated the situation in that many decisions needed to be made. I arrived at the Carter house early the next morning to be of assistance.
A priest arrived early in the morning. After a brief, private talk with Stacey he left, saying that a nun would be visiting the children. Stacey told me that within ten minutes of his consultation the priest asked her if she would be interested in donating money, in Brianne's name, to a new Catholic school. Brianne attended public school! Even Stacey was surprised at the priest's lack of sensitivity.
After the priest left, I sat down with Stacey to discuss a crucial decision. She needed to decide how to tell Bob about the accident. Given all options, she decided it was best to tell him in person. I volunteered to make arrangements for the news to be delivered to him at the airport. I placed myself in Bob's position and proposed a plan to Stacey. With detailed planning everything fell into place.
Delta Airlines was cooperative when I requested the use of their lounge. An airline official would have to let us into the room, but what took place there would be private--an atmosphere appropriate for the horrible news Bob would hear. I asked Stacey if she wanted the priest who visited that morning to be at the airport with us. She said emphatically, "No."
The Delta supervisor took the liberty of requesting a chaplain to attend the meeting. Both the chaplain and the supervisor returned my call to confirm the use of the room. I told them the services of a chaplain would not be needed. They were taken aback and I got the impression that the use of the room may be in jeopardy. I told them I was a trained Humanist leader. With a short explanation of what a Humanist was the room use was settled. The supervisor and the chaplain hung up more enlightened.
I also arranged for the family to travel to the airport via limousine. None of us were in any condition to drive, and the sorrow was sure to deepen as the reality of what had happened sunk in.
The phone calls arranging for a grieving room and limousine were interrupted by visitors and other phone calls. Concerned friends and neighbors arrived with food and spent hours consoling Stacey and her children. Out-of-state family members also arrived during the day.
Sometime in the afternoon, the monsignor arrived to speak to Stacey. I told him he had to wait in the family room with me as Stacey was busy with visitors in the living room. During his wait, the monsignor observed me answering the phone, receiving food, and guiding the children in a photo tribute to Brianne.
The monsignor asked, "How did you learn to be so efficient yet so compassionate?" I told him that I attended the Humanist Institute. He was not familiar with the program but indicated he knew about the Ethical Culture Building in New York where the school is located.
Suddenly, a strange thing happened. The monsignor's demeanor changed. He began telling me about all the wealthy and influential people he knew in town. He described his difficult morning with a DuPont executive consulting him about a fatal disease. It became clear that I had intimidated the monsignor enough for him to put me in my place. He wanted it understood that most wealthy people in town were Catholic. They do not turn to Humanists like me for help. While he boasted, I was thinking how he would probably ask Stacey for a donation, since the priest had been unsuccessful that morning. And he did!
When Bob's flight arrived, an airline employee brought him from the plane to the grieving room. Stacey greeted Bob in private. When Bob was ready, the two were joined by the rest of the family, me, and my husband.
The ride home was slow and agonizing. Even the limousine driver shed tears as he made his way back to the Carter residence.
Bob called me early the next morning. He thanked me for all that I had done, and asked me to come over to help with the headstone selection. As Bob and I conferred with the headstone designer, Stacey met with the priest about the service. I quizzed Bob about his wishes for the headstone. I coordinated what he said with the designs available, and made suggestions. The resulting design included a pastoral engraving and a family name. It would later change as the rest of the family expressed their needs.
After the headstone plans were set in motion I turned my attention back to the photo project. More family albums were gathered, and each child, mother, father, uncle, and aunt had an opportunity to contribute a favorite photo of Brianne. I purchased four large poster frames, and divided the pictures into four categories. I placed the pictures in a collage pattern showing a progression of age.
Brianne was only thirteen when she died. Her smiling face in the photos conveyed how much she enjoyed swimming, field hockey, her friends, her family, school, and vacations. It seemed as if Brianne had done more in her short life than most of us have ever done. Even so, she was too young to die.
The collage displays were exhibited at the funeral. This enabled everyone to reminisce about Brianne's life and feel fortunate to have known her.
The Catholic funeral service was planned primarily by Stacey. I was honored when Stacey asked me to speak at the funeral. I accepted the invitation, and immediately began working on what I would say. I knew I did not have much time to devote to this important speech, however. The photo project was not complete, and I had also taken time to set up a memorial at the accident location.
The accident site memorial I started was secular. It included flowers, Brianne's picture, and a message about Brianne. Within a few days the site was visited by many people some of whom left special things for Brianne. I was not surprised when someone erected a cross.
The memorial site has evolved into a garden. A marker dedicating the garden to Brianne's memory has been installed. The marker faces the street she tried to cross that fateful day. Once in a while toys, notes, and other sentimental items appear on or under a small pine tree in the garden. Brianne's friends find it comforting to visit the garden. I'm glad the garden is there and that I had something to do with it.
Just before the funeral I learned that the priest would not allow Brianne's field hockey stick to be laid on the coffin. The hockey stick, he said, was, "not religious enough."
I encouraged Stacey to do what she thought was best. I volunteered to tie yellow roses on the stick to dress it up. Surely the priest would not object to this expression of sadness. Field hockey, after all, was Brianne's passion and her teammates would be at the funeral.
The funeral was attended by about four hundred people. The Catholic church was filled beyond capacity. Apart from the priest mentioning Brianne once, the ceremony could have been for anyone. Incense, rituals, and communion were done in routine fashion.
When the priest made his fleeting reference to Brianne and her age, he said, "I've been asked why. Why would God take Brianne away when she was so good, so young, and so nice. I must admit that I don't know why. Sometimes we just don't have any answers and all we can say is that God works in mysterious ways."
I did not know that the priest would say those words but when I got up to delivery a memorial to Brianne it seemed as if I had prepared to counter the words of the priest. This is what I said at Brianne's funeral:
On this very, very sad day, I am honored that Stacey and Bob requested that I say a few words. It is an especially sad day because grief for the loss of a child is hardest to bear. When an old person dies we may grieve, but we can accept more readily that a life has been lived and has drawn to its inevitable close. But when a child dies, we mourn not only the life that was, but also the life that might have been.
It is right and natural that we should grieve, because sorrow is a reflection and measure of the love, the happiness and the intimacy we shared with the one who has gone. In a way too we grieve for ourselves, because we know that our own lives will never be the same without Brianne.
A few days ago Helene Stephens looked at me with sorrowful eyes and asked, "Why -- why was Brianne taken from us so young? She was so good, so honest, so sweet? Why, why, why, why?"
I told Helene, and I tell you now, that every human tragedy is an act of nature. Nature does not know good from bad. Nature does not know right from wrong. In nature there are never rewards nor punishments. There are only consequences.
Death is as natural as life. All that have life have beginning and end. Nature is permanent in this world. The world is now a much poorer place without our Brianne. How do we know? By remembering that the world was once enriched by her presence. And what a presence she was.
When we close our eyes we each see a vision of Brianne as we each knew her. Every memory is as different and as individual as we are. Every anecdote we recall reveals a special side of our lovely Brianne.
My special vision of Brianne is that of a generous person who volunteered to help me with my parties. She loved to help me decorate and cook. She graciously greeted my guests, hung their wraps, and escorted them into the party areas. I never worried about the reception my guests would receive when Brianne opened the door for me. I knew her smile and radiant cheerfulness would immediately charm anyone who arrived.
I recall the many times she delivered bags of mail to me after I had been away. Sometimes it would take her several trips and sometimes Stacey, or Brandon, or Kiersten would have to help her. Brianne never failed to fulfill her obligations. She was truly a responsible young lady.
I long to see Brianne knocking on my door to visit me. Brianne was also anxious to learn. I spent many wonderful hours sharing my knowledge and experience with her. She wanted to be wise and intelligent. I never got the chance to tell her that her innocent wisdom and intelligence actually taught me many things.
We all want Brianne to live again. It is your individual vision and the recounting of her legacy that will bring her back to life. Speak of her often, for stories and memories are truly an afterlife. Her legacy is worthwhile and her life is honored when recounted time after time.
Speak of her sweetness. Tell others about her lack of prejudice. Talk of her kindness towards people and animals. Express your love for her memory and she will live again. Emulate her grace, poise, sense of fair play, and being a good sport. In doing so, you will honor her legacy.
'The record of a generous life runs like a vine around the memory of our dead, and every sweet, unselfish act is now a perfumed flower.*'
(*quotation from Robert Green Ingersoll)
Brianne's unselfish acts touched every person in this room. Hold on to that memory as a celebration of her life. Adore the memory you have of her, for like a beautiful precious flower she bloomed only a short time to give the world a little bit of happiness in seeing her, touching her, and loving her.
What can we learn from her tragic death? We can all learn to be more aware of the valuable short life we have. We can be reminded to drive slowly and carefully. We can justify taking extra time to love our children, our nieces and nephews, our grandchildren, and our precious friends.
Leave this ceremony today knowing that Brianne would want you to slow down and share the flowers on the vine of life with the ones you love. Remember her and she will live again.
I can not take credit for coming up with all those wonderful words myself. Since time was short and I was an emotional wreck, I called upon a few of my nontheist friends for help. They felt my pain and patiently assisted me as I struggled to find the appropriate language for Brianne's memorial. I know I could not have done it without their help. I appreciate my Atheist circle of friends more than I can say.
After the service Bob and Stacey hugged me tightly and thanked me for saying what I said. Bob commented that the priest and monsignor looked shocked as I began to speak and had listened intently. I did not mean to offend them, but if I did, so be it. Throughout the evening many people complimented me on the tribute. One woman said that she found my words more comforting than the priests'.
A library at the school Brianne attended is dedicated to her. As I said in the tribute, Brianne had a thirst for knowledge. Everyone who knew her knew she loved to read. I recently donated a Thomas Paine book to the library. I shall always remember the joy it was to work on a Thomas Paine project with Brianne.
I write this story near the one-year anniversary of Brianne's death. So much has happened between the Carters and me since that time. We are still the best of friends but there were times when I felt Stacey and the children pulling away from me. I noticed that Brandon and Kiersten sometimes avoided talking to me, and they seldom let their eyes meet mine. A bond had been severed but I did not know how or why. Even though I spent the Thanksgiving holiday with the Carter family, I knew something was not right. The change of demeanor troubled me greatly.
One day I asked Stacey if there was something wrong. Stacey told me that she had been doing a lot of spiritual reading. She said that she could not share her new found enlightenment and deeper religious convictions with me. She also told me that because I don't believe in angels and heaven it was disconcerting to her and the children.
I wanted to speak honestly. I thought of the Keats quote, "Philosophy can clip an angel's wings." I did not want my philosophy to clip the wings of Stacey's angel. My response was, "But Stacey, I believed in Brianne. She was my real life angel. I love her and she lives in my heart." Stacey embraced me and said she was happy I was her friend.
Angels were also important to Brianne. The week before her death, Brianne and I worked on a school project together. She wanted to put a picture of an angel in the poster she was making and asked if I would find a picture of a pretty angel on the Internet. I did so and she was pleased with what I found.
Little did I know that the research for angel pictures would be needed twice for Brianne. Brianne's headstone now has an angel pictured in the meadow I originally suggested. The family loves the final design of the headstone. I am pleased to have satisfied their needs even though I only believe in real life earth angels.
The children have been much more friendly lately, and Kiersten has been over just to talk several times. Stacey and I often have tea together. Our tea-time conversations are deep and meaningful. The philosophical strain appears to have diminished.
I continue to provide loving support for the Carter family. They know how much I care, and that I don't consider our religious differences a matter of concern. Actually we believe in many of the same things--love, friendship, kindness, and angels.
Originally published in the FSGP newsletter for July/August of 2004, this article was written by Margaret to back her plan to "Plant the seeds of Atheism" link
Great insight into Margarets leadership and motivational expertise-
Planting the Seeds of Atheism
by Margaret Downey
The events freethinkers host should serve to educate, inspire, and begin the process of growing future leaders who will help create a more humanistic world. Each of us can contribute to the goal if we are passionate and confident.
Money helps, too, but I can say from experience that with just a little bit of seed money, all things are possible.
I started FSGP in 1993 with just $1,000 in my pocket. Membership grew from thirty-five people to four hundred people in ten years. FSGP finally has enough money to continue publishing a quarterly newsletter and occasionally the hosting of speakers and special events.
Putting on a monthly event is difficult, if not impossible, without volunteers. We should think of events as putting water on the seeds of Atheism. Without nourishment and attention, the seeds will fail and the plant will never grow. A little bit of creativity will help. Fortunately, the seedling boxes are filled with creative ideas, sample press releases, speaker connection information, and many other items to facilitate a successful event. Events could help FSGP find younger members. If FSGP is going to see that our garden is robust enough to produce and bear fruit, we must attract people under the age of forty.
Our children and our children’s children must have a safe community in which to question authority and express their non-theist life stance without fear of repercussions. FSGP has a lot of soil to till before our garden is comfortable enough to sprout. But let’s face it. There are many pests working to kill our gardens. Beware of the “praying mantis” community! A recent Gallup poll revealed some interesting trends about Americans’ views of deities, the afterlife, and what they will encounter on the other side of death’s door.
The percentage of Americans who believe in God or a universal spirit has remained near or above 90% for the past sixty years. Dishearteningly, there has been a significant increase in the last ten years or so in the percentage of Americans who believe in the devil. From 1997 to 2004, belief in Hell has ranged between 56% and 71%. The 2004 data reveal that 70% of Americans believe in Hell. In 1994, 72% of Americans said they believed in angels. That percentage has increased to 78% today. We must do everything we can to bring those figures down.
Obviously, the events I have proposed will be met with opposition. Conservatives and overtly religious people will tramp on the fields we are trying to grow. We must be strong and determined.
Producing a successful event will take commitment, courage, stamina, and determination. But we must try to create a climate that promotes honesty about our philosophical life stance. Recent statistics revealed that many social factors are against us. Religious belief will be like a weed in our garden of rationality.
According to the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life, 66% of Americans view non-theists unfavorably. Interestingly, that is double the hatred for Muslims. The Washington Post and Harvard University revealed that 69% of Americans would be disturbed if a family member married a non-theist. In the last presidential election, 49% of the electorate said it wouldn’t, under any circumstance, vote for a non- theist. The religious weed is growing and spreading. A March 2004 Gallup Poll indicated that 91% of Americans want to keep the words “under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance. Gallup compared that statistic to a poll taken at the height of the Cold War. A 1953 poll asked if the phrase “under God” were added to the existing pledge, to distinguish a religious America from non-religious communist countries would you agree or not agree with the inclusion. A substantial majority of Americans, 69%, said they supported the addition. So preference for including “under God” increased by 22%. We are de-evolving in America.
We need Freethought voices now more than ever, we need Freethought events now more than ever, and we need volunteers now more than ever.
If you simply can’t volunteer to adopt a seedling or help host an event, then please dig into your pockets to help the Freethought community financially. You will see your investment grow and take pride in the fact that your financial assistance helped make the Freethought community more visible. FSGP must be seen by the public as promoting rational thinking, separation of church and state, and the need to be free from religious intrusions.
I think that if we are to make our Atheist/Free- thought/Humanist garden a reality (or should I say create a Reality Garden), we must share ideas, exchange literature, support each others’ causes, and communicate well with like-minded groups. I am convinced that the tools of cooperation will be the empowerment we need.
Instead of adding “Miracle Grow” to our garden, I suggest that we add as many leaders as possible. FSGP must encourage others to lead well.
Leaders must be kind – yet strong. Leaders must be well spoken – yet able to communicate using language that does not turn others away.
Leaders must be ready in personality and image to represent a cause well. If you are not a leader, don’t worry.
You can be supportive and helpful just by volunteering when a leader does emerge.